Malcolm’s nightmare

On 13/07/2018 by admin

It’s been a full three days since I heard anyone use the words jobs and growth.Feels great, eh? What a relief.
Nanjing Night Net

Election hangover: Malcolm Turnbull is not the only one in shock after an election night that set the scene for an endless blame game. Illustration: John Shakespeare.

No doubt jobs and growth are still being spoken about in Coalition circles;except now the words are being shouted angrily, with spittle, behind closed doors — and MPs are ranting about their own jobs and the growth of the near fatal swing to Labor.

At the time of writing, the AEC was still counting 1 million or so votes and Malcolm Turnbull’s Coalition looked like the only party capable of forming a government from the rubble of election night.

As the business of bandaging up and stitching together a bloodied and battered executive to lead the country continued, so too did the Coalition’s post-mortem into one of the worst election balls-ups in Australian history. Learnings must follow.

While they grope around for answers and as Labor pretends that their lowest primary votein decades is a wonderful achievement, I’d like to share the key things that I have learned from the 2016 federal election:

The smarty-pant press gallery knows jack s–t: Aside from a handful of (Fairfax) scribes, virtually no one saw an electoral apocalypse on the horizon. People may now be sayingthat they did (and offering all kinds of 20-20 hindsight advice to the vanquished)but they simply didn’t have a clue. So much for expert analysis.Not even the nation’s bookies, who priced Labor at $8 and the Coalition at $1.12 on election eve, foresaw minority governments, hung parliaments or the return of Pauline Hanson.

But it wasn’t the Coalition’s fault: The real electoral villain, unmasked Scooby Doo-like by Malcolm Turnbull on election night, was the ALP’s evil “Mediscare” campaign.

Meanwhile, in huggable Immigration Minister Peter Dutton’s Queensland electorate, he claimed “the CFMEU, the bikies and others …” were responsible for the 5.8 per cent swing against him. In Victoria, Liberal MP Andrew Nikolic revealed the left-wing lobby group Get-Up was the reason he lost his seat.

In my seat of Gilmore, incumbent Ann Sudmalis appeared to blame Joe Blow, Fred Blogs and the aggressive manner in which they handed out ALP how-to-vote cards at local booths for the 3.8 per cent swing against her. “It was unbelievable! ” Mrs Sudmalis said in a quavering voice on Monday. “They were handing stuff right over the top of somebody else and, just — it was frightening!”Yeah, sounds like it Ann! Terrifying!

To recap: malevolent external forces cruelled the Coalition on Saturday. The loss of Liberal seats had absolutely nothing to do with the MPs themselves, their policies, their campaign strategy nor the will of the voters. It was the bikies and stuff!

Pauline Hanson has spent 18 years marinating in hatred: As we grow older most people mature, soften, grow wiser and let go of some of the strident views of their past. By their middle age, many Australians relax a bit and channel their energy into something constructive.

Not Pauline Hanson! The One Nation leader not only has the same haircut as she did in 1996, she has the very same angry, racist and hatey view of our country.

“You go and ask a lot of people in Sydney, at Hurstville or some of the other suburbs — they feel they have been swamped by Asians!” she said.

Well, Pauline, I’d like to get me some of that. Being ex-Sydney I can honestly say the thing I miss most since moving to the South Coast a couple of years ago is people who aren’t Anglo.

I reckon I live in the whitest town in Australia and — while not taking anything away from our excellent local restaurateurs — the dining choices reflect it.So send your Asians and other cultures this way, will ya?

Royal commissions are the answer to everything: Ever since Tony Abbott instigated a royal commission into the trade union movement, Bill Shorten and Labor have wanted a companion-style royal commission into Australia’s banking system.

Now Pauline Hanson and the voices in her head want a royal commission into Islam and climate change. Seriously.

Once we’ve gotten those three inquiries out of the way — and if there’s any money left — I believe we should have a royal commission into the State of Origin. Can Queensland really be that much better at footy? Doesn’t 10 series wins in 11 years sound suss? It’s bad for footy and bad for the country. Honestly, is anyone going to watch tonight’s game?

Derryn Hinch has got a hide: The 2016 federal election marked the first time Hinch has ever voted. How thoroughly unsurprising that the first vote he ever cast was for himself.The Human Headline … sorry, Senator Hinch, has opposed compulsory voting for decades because he reckons “commentators” like him should be exempt. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to Hinch that social media has turnedeveryoneinto a commentator. It’s partly why we’ve had five prime ministers in just five years.

Bill Shorten doesn’t appear to hold grudges:Throughout his political career, the Labor leader has had to suffer the often puerile slings and arrows of the Murdoch press. Murdoch editors have smeared him from one end of the country to the other; if they’re not Photoshopping his likeness into a giant steaming turd or a dribbling idiot, they’re muck-raking through his private life.So I was as surprised as anyone else to learn during the election campaign that Mr Shorten has a son named Rupert. Go figure.

It’s actually not that an exciting time to be alive: Take Monday for example; my wife had to work so I drove to Batemans Bay with my little girls only to find the indoor play centre was closed. I took them to the park for two hours instead and drove home wondering what to write about this week.

Later I hung out some washing and tried to be civil to the kids despite having a bit of a headache and being a bit grumpy. It was in no way an exciting time to be alive. I reckon one’s level of excitement can depend on your mood and the kind of day you’re having, right Malcolm?

This story Administrator ready to work first appeared on Nanjing Night Net.

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